The terrible FFXIV patch notes for 2.57

Game: Final Fantasy XIV
Time: 2015-05-11 13:44:29
Views: 1317


1).Chocobo porters now pay you to use them out of desperation.

2).Typhon will occasionally vindictively choose one person and blast them off on the 5th instance. It will always be you; everyone else will win.

3).Enabled the ability to stack stacks of 99 atma. You can stack the stacks of 99 atma 99 times for a total of 9801 atma per slot.

4).A 20% Echo has been added to every low level dungeon. It has also been added to Chocobo Racing and Triple Triad, but not Chocobo Breeding.

5).Female Miqo'te breasts have been nerfed by 80% and given to male Roegadyns to encourage more racial diversity.

6).We've introduced a new game mechanic that we are calling "Shame." We've noticed that characters are eating entire meals sometimes 30-40 minutes in succession and have added stacking side effects to compensate. Female characters that eat too much carbohydrate foods or sugary drinks such as Pineapple Juice or Pineapple Ponzecake will receive a debuff called "Thunder Thighs" and have visual cellulite added. The debuff lasts for probably like 5 years or so. Males will stay the same but have a debuff called "Lethargy" which just makes them watch more TV instead of adventuring. The effects of the "Shame" system are non-existent before level 25, but ramp up exponentially afterwards. We call this mechanic "metabolism."

7).Quick-synthesized food or food with 0 quality results in a much shittier, fast-food version of the dish. Ex: A quick-synthed "Sauteed Coeurl" automatically turns into "dollar-menu sloppy joe."

8).Fast-food now requires that your character go to the bathroom every hour or so. Alchemists can make Pepto-Bismal now, but it won't work.

9).Increased the drop rate of the "Lahabrea" card from Platinum Triad Packs from 96% to 97%.
The Ghost of Edda has glamoured her dress to the Cloud Armor set.

10).Story Linkpearls have been underused lately, so we've added NPC telemarketers who will contact you on your Linkpearls. If you screen them, they will call back every 20 minutes until you answer. If you answer and talk with them, they will call back every 30 minutes. There is not a "do-not-call" list.

11).We've hired the NBA Jam announcer to yell "BREAK THEM ANKLES" every time a character falls from high heights and survives with 1 HP.

12).We are NOT buffing fishing in any way. There's not need for us to even put this in patch notes, but we just wanted to make sure that you didn't have any false hope about freeing up your schedule at all.

13).Discovered a drop rate bug in the primal horses. Everytime that we released patch notes that said "Increased the drop rate", we actually decreased it. We've found another bug that forces players to roll under 20 anytime that a horse drops. We've left both bugs in the game because we don't want to disturb what you're used to.

14).We've now buffed disconnection rates. You should now see more disconnections in coil specifically. YOU'RE WELCOME; GO TO THE GYM.

15).If the Odin or Behemoth fates are up for more than 15 minutes without having been engaged, both will look at the ground downtrodden and kick a single rock a pathetic distance every minute until someone hugs them.

16).We've removed private tells as the only way to effectively address gilsellers that we could think of. We also expect to see a significant decrease in shittalking between females as a result.

17).If you own a house and fall under 50,000 gil, your house can now be foreclosed on. You can still save your house by turning tricks on the streets of Ul'dah. The details of this system are pretty gritty, and you'll get 10 stacks of shame, and Ul'dahns like that tailpipe action so... Please look forward to it?

18).Due to the popularity of FFXIV, every NPC now does this at all times, even during cutscenes. Lahabrea looks crazier now and Tataru can no longer be trusted.

19).Implemented the Battle Regimen, Fatigue, and Retainer Ward systems. 1.0 had problems, but we believe they were unrelated to these systems. Let's make things better.

20).The Final Coil of Bahamut: Turn 1 trash has begun feeling lonely after being skipped so much. We haven't introduced any countermeasures to this behavior; we just thought you should know and would hopefully do the right thing.

21).Whenever someone fails a mechanic, a giant red arrow (the same one used for Thermionic Beam) will point to the person who made a mistake with mandatory text reading 'IT WAS THEM'. We realize this make Titan nearly impossible, so we've now made Titan be affected by Fluid Aura for catharsis.